Welcome to Clueville. Population: Zero
Russell Degnan

Ray: Most of us are having to tighten our belts a little with petrol prices going up, but some people are doing it really tough. Mike has a story about some of how a few true Aussie battlers are just trying to live the Australian dream.

[Cut to service station price board]

Mike: This is the view most of you woke up to this morning. Petrol prices going through the roof. But while some of us can leave the car at home, for the Dudded family in Livindots, this isn't possible, making their four hour commute an expensive one to boot.

[Cut to family on couch, two kids, dog, looking pensive]

Mr. Dudded: Well, we bought here because we thought, for the kids, you need the space, you don't want to be near the traffic and noise. We wanted to be able to ride bikes and ponies. Maybe have a dam. But you can't find 2000 acres in Melbourne anymore, not for what we could afford. Livindots was the only place where we could live that was still, you know, near the city, and work. Of course, leaving at 4am, and getting home at 10pm, I don't see them much, but you do what you can.

[Awkward pause to cut material]

Mike: Money is tight though.

Mrs Dudded: Well, fuel costs, a lot. We travel about 1000 km a day between us. And the mortage, you know. We dreamed all our life of living here, and now...

Mr. Dudded: The government has forgotten us. I mean, there are no schools out here, no water, no services. How are we supposed to get by? We both work in the city. Good jobs, but when fuel goes up we have to put little things on credit. We can't keep doing that forever. I mean, the bank says we can, but can we?

[Cut to more heart-breaking typically battling scenery while Mike talks]

Mike: And they aren't the only ones. Bill Gutted has had enough.

[Cut to Mr. Gutted, a typical middle aged bloke with a red face]

Mr. Gutted: We get nothing. You pay your taxes, and then spend all your time in a traffic jam ten k' from your house. All this fuel tax goes on who knows what, why we suffer.

[Back to studio]

Ray: [pause] Mmmm, just trying to live the Australian dream. [pause] But are our governments doing enough. We have with us Prime Minister John Howard and Premier Steve Bracks. Gentlemen, welcome. Are you doing enough?

Stevie boy: Well I think we are Ray. This government is committed. Committed to improving services in rural areas. Committed to improving roads and travel times. We can't help fuel prices, but service delivery is something we are committed to. And our commitment remains strong.

Ray: Prime Minister?

Little Johnny: Look Ray, I feel their pain. I really do. Oil prices are high and that hurts people. But we are operating in a global economy, and a time of higher oil prices. What we can do is keep interest rates down, and that helps people pay their mortgages. I promise we are very concerned, but overall the economy is doing very well.


Ray: Oh fuck this! What has that got to do with anything? Tell these people the truth. You are stupid morons living in the middle of nowhere with huge debts and no savings because you are selfish and short-sighted. Have you read anything in the past ten years. No-one thinks fuel is going to go down. The debate is between people who think it will go up significantly and people who think we are all completely and utterly screwed. So why would you choose to live 80km from the city on the brink of financial destruction, instead of in a smaller house with some sort of leeway? If this was medieval France you'd have starved to death in about two years while the sub-literate peasants with no access to any information or markets laughed at you. It isn't a dream to live in a big house on lots of land. It is no more and no less than gratuitous consumption for your personal aggrandizement. Wake up and use your friggin brain.

Stevie boy: Fair go Ray. I have an unloseable election in November.

Ray: Sorry. [Straughtens tie]

That's all we have time for I'm afraid. After the break, snake oil salesmen say it cures all, but does it? Our tests will shock you.

Sterner Matters 8th April, 2006 20:03:52   [#] 


Love it, Russ
I was going to write something similar, but this is much funnier.

What odds Ms. Hutchinson drives a Prado or an SS Commodore?
Robert Merkel  10th April, 2006 17:01:11  

Salt of the earth aussie battling insert cliche diggers
I sense a certain amount of frustration with the nature and content of 1830 tabloid shows... So why subject yourself to them? Because, as I always say; No one worth their salt watches those shows, and I need to know what they are thinking!
Geoff  10th April, 2006 17:10:51  

Welcome to Clueville. Population: Zero
thanks Rob and Geoff.

I don't actually watch them. But they are useful satirical vehicles for expressing this kind of rampant elitism. Plus it lets me take cheap shots at politicans. Win, win.
Russ  10th April, 2006 21:19:20